


Erwin, my insomnia, my grief

by LaBellaDea



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, References to Depression, Regret, Sets After Erwin's Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-20 06:02:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15527706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaBellaDea/pseuds/LaBellaDea
Summary: Levi struggles to let Erwin go.He dived deeper, cold water filled his ears, made him deaf to the rest of the world. At that moment, it was just him and his sorrow. And it was at that moment when an image of a beautiful man flashed through his head.He had stardust in his hair, steel in his bones. His lashes were gold and his eyes were burning flames. There was a crown on his head, made of red roses. His voice sounded like an echo of a lullaby long forgotten when he parted his carmine lips."Erwin!" Levi cried out. Inhaled the darkness and tasted salt as his body sank.





	Erwin, my insomnia, my grief

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone. I and [my beta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kybelles) (also my best friend) tried our best not to make any grammar errors since we are both non-native speakers of English. So if there are any mistakes, please let me know!

_"I was your insomnia,  
I was your grief.”_

**Anna Akhmatova**

Levi said he would pick the flowers himself.

"I know you will." Hange walked towards the table where he was sitting, they were carrying a bunch of roses. "But they are beautiful, aren't they?"

It was his silence that gave Hange the answer. He leaned his elbows on the table, sipping his tea and not looking at her way. But Hange, the stubborn commander that they are, drew their eyebrows together into a frown and said: "I want you to bring him these flowers on my behalf."

Levi turned his head to face them. Their brown eyes behind their glasses were flat and their lips were pressed in a straight, thin line. It was still odd to see them so serious.

"All right," he said in a loud whisper. "Put them over here."

"Thank you." Hange filled his lungs with the fresh smell of the roses before they gently put them on the table. They took a seat in front of Levi and immediately dropped two lumps of sugar into their freshly poured tea. They were always in a hurry. "I haven't visited him in a while."

"You are too busy," Levi murmured as he pushed his tea cup a little away from him. He ran a hand through his raven hair, tilting his head back to meet their worried eyes.

"Did you lost your appetite again?" they said, their voice sounded like they were about to scold him. "And you are looking like you haven't slept in ages!"

_Just two days,_ he thought, but only shrugged and cast his burning eyes upon the roses. It wasn't the first time he had felt too empty to say a word.

Hange opened their mouth as if to speak, but someone knocked at the door before they could make a sound. They drew a deep sigh and shouted " _ **Come in!**_ " with a weary gesture. A freshman soldier appeared at the door and stepped inside hesitantly, trying to avoid Levi's irritable gaze. He saluted the commander and handed them an envelope sealed with gold wax.

They opened it within a minute. Their brown eyes wandered over the letter, since they were always hungry and thirsty for knowledge. "Her Majesty says she needs me immediately," they said, rising to their feet. "I need to leave now."

"I'll give him your regards..." said Levi, without an expression. 

Hange stopped walking and turned their head to look at Levi. "And say him I miss him." They smiled at him but their face remained serious. "Say him it is too hard," they added, lowering their voice.

Levi nodded his head but said nothing to them again. He slid out of the chair after the door closed and paced the room nervously until he remembered that he was standing in pyjamas, with on his feet nothing.

He pulled out his black suit from his closet. The familiar taste of melancholia filled his body when he put on the oversized jacket. But it was good. It was good to feel something familiar after many changes had happened.

Their uniforms had changed, and their weapons, and their faces... Now he was looking like an old war veteran, like a ghost... His hair was thinned out, his skin went pale. There were dark circles under his eyes, a gift from numerous sleepless nights.

Insomnia had been part of his life for as long as he could remember but the situation went from bad to worse after the Battle of Shiganshina. He had lost sleep since he began sharing his bed with hundreds of ghosts. And they kept on haunting Levi until Hange gave him sleeping pills.

"There is no need for them," Levi had furrowed his brows. "Insomnia and I are old friends."

"And it seems like your old friend intends to kill you," Hange had responded.

Levi would much rather to die of insomnia than to have another nightmare. _But no fucking way_ , he said to himself. _I will not die before I kill him_.

He sat in his carriage, holding a large bouquet of fresh-cut roses. He set them on his lap and leaned his head against the window. Red roses were Erwin's favorite flowers. Red as his lips after a passionate kiss... Red as his blood in his veins...

Yet there were no blood in Levi's veins, just hatred and grief. He cursed Erwin for leaving him and cursed himself too for being alive as the coachman stopped the horses. He got out of the carriage as soon as possible, heading to the white marble mausoleum.

He was now pale, and instead of sadness in his eyes, there was tenseness while he was walking up the stairs. He loosened his cravat, picking up the pace. Excitement grew in his belly like he was about to see Erwin standing there. He stopped at the entrance and looked inside the mausoleum.

There was a woman in black, standing beside of the grave, facing away from Levi. She turned her head as she heard the stranger's footsteps. Levi couldn't recognize her until she lifted her tulle veil.

He gritted his teeth and took a step forward. In the dimness, she was standing like a statue, and her fists were clenched. Her face was looking as tired as the same before. Skin pale, eyes red, lips dry... And beautiful.

But she was as grim as she was beautiful when she yelled at Levi that he wasn't welcome there.

_"Get out of my sight!" she hissed. Her tongue was sharp enough to cut Levi's throat. "You have no right to be here!"_

_"Actually, he has." Hange protested, with voice as cold as snow. "Levi has every right to be here as the hero of Survey Corps."_

_"The hero of Survey Corps!" She seethed, eyes burning with rage. "For many years, your crest had appeared to me as the image of my brother. But now I see. Your crest is not the wings of freedom, it is my brother's broken ribs!" She was almost screaming, her tears running down like a river. "Survey Corps consumed his life and robbed me of my only family. So tell me, Hange, why shall I respect your hero?"_

_Hange didn’t answer. They just peered at the Queen standing beside them. But Historia was either so sorry for the man who made her queen or so scared of his sister's wrath. She looked at her toes in silence._

_But Marie Dok had enough courage to raise her voice. "Please, Lizzie..." she beseeched her friend as she was trying to make her baby stop crying. "This is your brother's funeral."_

_"And_ _ **this**_ _is my brother's murderer,"_ _she_ _squinted at Levi_ _. "I don't forgive you for not injecting the damn serum to him. For not saving him! Still, I wonder why... What was the thing that drove you such mad?"_

_"_ **Love** _,_ _" Levi figured._

_But he didn’t answer her then, turning his back and continuing to stride down the corridor._

_"I read the report!" she raised her voice. "You let him die because you wanted to release him from suffering?" Her hysterical laugh sent shivers up and down Levi's spine that he felt obligated to look back._

_"You set him free..." She sneered. "You saved him from his demons... Is that what you believe?"_

_"No," he responded. "That is what I_ _**did** _ _."_

 

Now she was standing in front of Levi, her face was like a cardboard, stiff and without expression. The silky blonde hair spilling down her shoulders was curled beautifully. "I'm Elizabeth Rivers, Duchess of Nordenshire, Erwin's little sister." She gestured to Erwin's graveside statue behind them, which appears to show him as a young man. The marble flower crown on his head was red and he was smiling the way he always does- gentle and charismatic. "You may address me as Your Grace or you can call me Lizzie, if you wish so."

"I know who you are," Levi retorted.

"Of course!" she said with an icy glance. "But I felt the urge to introduce myself since our first acquaintance wasn't quite decent." She went silent for a minute, blushing with distress. "It was totally barbaric, actually. I owe you an apology."

"You owe me nothing, Your Grace," he said in an effort to keep himself calm, wanting to be alone with Erwin as immediate as possible. He had no intention of arguing with the woman again. At least not now. Not here.

She tilted her head to study him, the smile on her lips reminding Levi a wounded animal. "Thank you," she whispered and then turned on her heels. She walked towards the door hesitantly, and after a few steps, she stopped.

"Do you know, sir," she said over her shoulder. "Erwin was the favorite child, the most loved, the most praised... He was the Sun, so to speak, and our mother was going around him." She turned around to look at Levi. "I should have hated him for that but how could I hate him while he was desperately struggling to fill the hole our father left behind, because he always held himself responsible for his death? He didn't allow himself to mourn even for a moment and devoted himself to being a father to me. He tutored me, cherished me, indulged me, and even taught me how to get over a guy... Tell me, how can you hate someone like him?"

"You cannot," he admitted, even surprising himself.

Elizabeth's eyes were similar to that of her brother's when the sunlight hit them at just the right angle. A warm light gleamed in those blue eyes. "He used to say that he would never love a person as he loves me and I used to believe him when he said that. But one day, he said it again, wrapping his arms around me. And I knew he was lying to me from the black in his eyes."

Her unwinking eyes remained upon him. She suddenly looked hurt. Her eyes filled with tears, but she blinked them back before they fell. "It wasn't hate what I felt when I saw you first. It was half agony, half jealousy." Her voice trembled a bit. "I was jealous because you were the one who held his hand when he died. Because you were the one who picked him flowers. Because he loved you more than me!"

Levi squeezed the roses, unaware of the sharp pain of the thorns that pricked him. Shock crossed his face, his shirt soaked with his cold sweat. He tightened his grip. A drop of blood fell on the marble floor.

Elizabeth followed the blood with her eyes and stared at the red stains on the milky-white floor. Her teeth flashed in a mocking grin. "You didn't know?" she chuckled. Her cheeks went pink, like his confusion gave life back to her dried flesh. "Then you're blind, and deaf, and dumb."

Levi contended himself with clenching his teeth in frustration, but his puzzled look remained on his face. He turned his back on her, so that she couldn’t see his face, and went over to the statue.

Then, in a wink, all their memories descended on his mind.

_He remembered Erwin's foggy eyes and parted lips. They both were exhausted and sleepless after yet another unsuccessful expedition. Erwin was leaning against the wall, big raindrops were falling on his head. He remained unmoved when Levi insisted on taking him home._

_"You didn't have to drown in wine," he reproached. Erwin kept silent, a sluggish smile appeared on his lips. Levi looked at this smile and noticed that he nearly drank himself to death. A long silence have grown between them, broken only by drunken laughters from the tavern._

_The tall man smiled again. Levi drew closer to him impulsively, soaked to the skin. Erwin lifted a finger, gently caressing the bottom of his chin. Levi stared up at him, his silky hair was plastered against his forehead and his curly lashes were wet._

_Erwin leaned down to press a kiss upon his cheekbone. He kissed his face, he kissed his lips. His hands were cold, yet his mouth was warm. When he finally stepped back, he somehow looked more sober._

_Erwin left him there without a word, and this time, Levi didn't follow. He watched him walk down the street, disappearing._

_But he rushed off from his residence at first light. His heart speeded up, not because he walked fast but because he was about to see him. He knocked on his door, jubilant over the kiss and ravenous for more._

_Erwin's plain voice had been heard from the inside. Levi turned the door handle and went in._

_"Good morning Levi," Erwin said without looking at him. He pitched the bridge of his nose and gritted his teeth, his eyes were closed, he was in an obvious pain. "How could you let me get that drunk?" he whined. "Is it not a right hand man's job to prohibit his commander from having a hangover?"_

_Erwin's lips curled into a fragile and distant smile. Levi stared at his facial features and realized that the man in front of him wasn't the same man who kissed him the day before._

_**He remembers nothing** _ _,_ _Levi admitted himself while looking at his icy blue eyes. Erwin took a big sip from his coffee and got back to reading the military reports. For one brief moment, he had a face of a god but a heart of stone._

_Levi mocked his own naivety, thought about all the pretty girls Erwin flirted with. The brunette baroness who sneaked into Erwin's room after a masquerade ball, a merchant's eldest daughter who is kissed by him passionately in her father's expensive theatre box, the Queen's lady-in-waiting who chased him so insistently that the Queen had to warn her about her reputation... And of course there must be others Levi didn't heard of._

_No, Erwin was the furthest thing from a womanizer. But he, whether intentionally or not, has beguiled women. Noble, pretty, rich women... Probably_ _he would have never kissed Levi if he had been sober._

_**He is still my commander** _ _,_ _Levi thought, feeling surprisingly broken hearted._ _**And nothing more.** _

"Thank you for bringing his bones back home," As if on cue, Elizabeth resumed talking. "Now he has a grave that I can visit and talk to."

Without waiting for his response, she headed for the door and said: "Do not blame yourself for being dumb. He probably didn't want to be in a relationship with you until the war is over."

"But why?" Levi asked, struggling to fill his lungs as he felt like he was drowning.

Elizabeth thrusted the door open. "To protect you, of course."

"From what?"

"From the sorrow of his loss."

"But he couldn't protect me from that," Levi murmured, his voice broke half way.

Elizabeth turned her back on him without a word, her black veil blowing in the breeze. She lifted her head when a tear drop fell from her lashes. Her skirt whispered laments as she was moving away.

Levi sank to his knees before Erwin's statue. "But you couldn't protect me from that!" he repeated, in a voice so low only his marble face could hear. "How did you think you could?"

He startled when he reminisced about their one and only kiss. Maybe he never forgot that and just tried to lay his reckless act to rest for the sake of Levi. Maybe he really forgot but he had always craved a kiss from him, just like Levi. "How stupid of me!" he sobbed angrily. "How stupid of us! We should've held on to our little, precious moments, and made the best of them. Instead, we kept hiding our feelings from each other. And the only reason for that was we were too afraid."

For the first time in years, he felt the regret is growing inside his chest. "I wish..." His hoarse speech was interrupted by the salty taste of his tears. He raised his hands and brushed away them from his bloodshot eyes. "I wish I could go back and break your legs so that you could never leave me. Because without you, Erwin, I'm an empty shell of a human being. A cranky old man who no one ever truly knows..." He paused and exhaled deeply. "The brats look at my face and can't make anything of my sunken eyes. They are aware that I starve myself but they can't figure out why. Because you, my love, were the only one who understands."

His knuckles screamed as he rose to his feet. Kissed his fingertips before he touched his marble lips. "I will come to you," he said as a single drop of tear flow down his cheek. "As soon as I fulfill my promise."

He whirled on his heel and rushed out of the mausoleum. "Where to, Captain?" asked the coachman.

"To the sea," Levi responded, without thinking for a moment.

The golden rays of sun soaked his face. In spite of his shock, his pulse rate has finally slowed down. His ribs tightened his lungs, yet he was breathing. There was a sore hole in his heart, but he felt its fierce pounding. It was a man's body whose soul died many times and resurrected. He knew he would survive this. _At least, till I kill the Beast._

The moon was shining above his head like a huge pearl when he removed his shoes and felt the warmness of the sand under his feet. Then the jacket and necktie followed. He undressed, let the dark waves embrace him.

"What does it fell like to be drowned?" he wondered as he dived under waves. He learned how to swim fast, still he wasn't very skilled in it. It would have merely required a leg cramp to make him panic.

He dived deeper, cold water filled his ears, made him deaf to the rest of the world. At that moment, it was just him and his sorrow. And it was at that moment when an image of a beautiful man flashed through his head.

He had stardust in his hair, steel in his bones. His lashes were gold and his eyes were burning flames. There was a crown on his head, made of red roses. His voice sounded like an echo of a lullaby long forgotten when he parted his carmine lips.

"Erwin!" Levi cried out. Inhaled the darkness and tasted salt as his body sank.

He forced his arms and legs to move but they suddenly became heavy. Salt water rushed into his nose, dragging him down. He speeded up his strokes and guessed his legs were still kicking. The silvery surface was gleaming above his body. It was so close, yet beyond reach. "I promised him!" he thought as the realization wrapped its cold hands around his neck.

And, somehow, he popped his head above the water. The sweet, beloved air invaded his lungs. His salty coughs scattered in the moonlit sea. "Erwin!" he panted. He could've sworn Erwin was there.

Levi shouted his name like he wasn't the one who touched Erwin's cold bones. Like it wasn't Erwin's bolo tie hung around his bare neck.

He swam to the shore by using the last of his energy. Let his shaking body lay down on the soft sand. The moonlight sparkles were dancing on the water, sea foams were kissing his toes. He sobbed, grief rising in his chest.

"Captain!" the coachman approached. "I closed my eyes for a moment, I swear!" His hasty paces stopped when he was two steps far away from Levi. "I don't know how I fell asleep but-"

He went silent when he realized that Levi was paying no attention. His grey eyes were piercing through the moon. The coachman was horrified when he saw the tears running down his face.

"Captain?" he stammered. "We should go home."

Levi didn't move. Nor did he showed any reaction indicates he was listening.

"My home is six feet under," he muttered.

The man spoke after a brief hesitation. "You look tired," he said. "You need to sleep."

Levi nodded, standing up and wrapping himself in the blanket the coachman gave him.

_I'm lost,_ he thought, as he shuffled his feet. He knew he would not be able to sleep. "My home..." he whispered to himself and turned his face to the moon.

"Erwin..." His name tasted like blood in his mouth. "My home, my insomnia, my grief…" 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> You can find my personal blog [here](http://thescarletcontessa.tumblr.com).
> 
> And you can find my dedicated to Erwin blog [here](http://fuckyeaherwinsmith.tumblr.com). 


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